101 ways to piss off the Volturis'

1. Tell Aro that Walmart is having a sale on happy face stickers.
2. When he asks why you're telling him this, clap your hands together, say you have something to do and walk away.
3. Tell Marcus he needs to wear guyliner and give him a girlie makeup kit.
4. Ask Caius how to pronounce his name.
5. Demand that Demetri play hide-and-seek with you, blindfolded.
6. Update Aro's wardrobe to match his personality.
7. Insist that absolutely everyone go on Atkins.
8. Introduce them to the internet.
9. Talk like a valley-girl around Chelsea.
10. Follow Caius around, announcing every little thing he does to the world.
11. Do it with a lisp.
12. After being told how to pronounce it, pronounce his (Cauus's) name wrong.
13. Speak in third-person.
14. Suggest that everyone in the Volturi play "Seven Minutes In Heaven."
15. When you actually get to play, insist that Caius not play for "political reasons" and refuse to explain further.
16. Take compromising photos of Aro and Jane, then try to blackmail them.
17. Give Aro thick welding gloves for Christmas.
18. Replace Caius' shampoo with bright red hair dye while he isn't looking.
19. Ask if you can get everyone together to play dodge-ball.
20. Cut off a lock of Jane's hair from behind and haul ass.
21. Blame everything on Marcus's bad mood.
22. Plant roses all over the place for no reason.
23. Follow Caius around and contradict absolutely everything he says.
24. Sit in a corner all day, muttering about alien abductions.
25. Give Caius werewolf movies for his birthday.
26. Make 'your momma' jokes to everyone.
27. Send fake love letters to everyone, making sure they're anonymous.
28. Replace everyone's cloaks with windbreakers.
29. Take pictures of Caius in the shower.
30. Give him one of the more embarrassing photos and tell him it's time to manscape.
31. Tell him that unless he manscapes you'll show the pictures to everyone.
32. Go up to Marcus, hug him, and walk away without saying anything.
33. Constantly pester Aro about changing you into a vampire.
34. When he finally agrees, stop him just before he bites, saying you've changed your mind, you're not ready.
35. Give Caius a wooden stake for Christmas.
36. Clean house without telling anyone. Use smelly chemicals like pine sol, windex and bleach to do so.
37. On St. Marcus day, follow Marcus around like a crazed fangirl.
38. Whenever he turns around to face you, drop to you knees and bow low to the ground, saying you're not worthy to be gazed upon by eyes such as his own.
39. Set up a tiny, pink table with littler pink chairs in the main room.
40. Set up one of those fake tea parties with stuffed animals.
41. Use the good dishes.
42. Invite Demetri, Felix and Caius to join said tea party.
43. Constantly comment on the lack of sleep around the place.
44. Tell Caius real vampires have fangs.
45. Don a frilly pink dress and a blonde wig and go around telling everyone it's your impression of Jane.
46. Ask Alec what he does about toothaches and headaches.
47. "Accidentally" play footsie with Marcus under the table.
48. Deny it later.
49. Repeat 47 and 48 with different people.
50. Try to get everyone to play Spin The Bottle.
51. Tell Jane she's fugly.
52. While running from Jane, tell her Alec told you to say that.
53. Walk up to Jane, point to a random spot on her head and say, "Is that a gray hair?"
54. Ask Aro if his 'Sex is on Fire'.
55. At your birthday party play pin the stake on the vampire.
56. Use Caius as said vampire.
57. Tell Caius real men don't sparkle.
58. Constantly give yourself paper cuts.
59. Use as many "That's What She Said" jokes as possible.
60. Ask Alec to play "Good Touch Bad Touch" with you.
61. Tell Jane that Barbie wants her hair back.
62. "Accidentally" have the bleach monster attack the cloaks.
63. Tell Caius you know what he did to Didame. Say it in a whisper.
64. At one of the meetings, raise your hand and complain about the lack of cable.
65. Whenever Felix walks by, point and say, "Look! It's a mountain!" And try to climb him.
66. Inconspicuously hum "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Whenever Caius walks around.
67. In a really quiet, solemn moment, jump up and start to play air guitar while singing "Welcome to the Jungle".
68. Continuously ask where the treasures are kept.
69. Take everything everyone says as a sexual remark.
70. Try to get everyone to play Ring Around The Rosie around the tourists.
71. Every time someone asks you what you want to eat, reply, "Animal Crackers."
72. Every time you eat the animal crackers, dunk them in milk, giggling until the bubbles stop coming up.
73. Make sure everyone's watching.
74. Offer to cut Caius's hair so that he doesn't look so gay.
75. Tell Aro that Alice said hi and refuse to explain further.
76. Repeatedly pretend that you have powers of "some sort".
77. When people ask to see said powers, reply that you're too tired, you have a headache, ect. ect.
78. On Halloween, dress up as Caius and say you're a douche.
79. Ask Chelsea about Jane and Aro's "relationship".
80. Tell Marcus about every single girl you know, often proposing that he ask them out on a date.
81. See how many times you can get away with spray painting "Your Life Ends Here" on the walls of the great room.
82. Randomly play high-pitched music when it's completely unnecessary.
83. Hum "Barbie Girl" Whenever you see Jane..
84. Go up to Alec and say "Congrats, Jane says it's a boy"and walk away.
85. Carry around a canister of thick red wine. Whenever you see one of the Volturi, take a swig and say "I see why you like this stuff!"
86. Say to Jane, "You know those 'that's what she said' Jokes? ...Those are all about your mother, and none of them involve your father."
87. Insist that Aro wear a full body unitard.
88. Repeatedly reenact the gunshot-dogde sene from 'The Matrix' whenever someone glares at you.
89. Make flash cards of everyone and their powers.
90. Try to get everyone to use said flash cards.
91. Light a fire in the great room ans see how close you can bring Caius to it.
92. Tell Marcus that you see ghosts and that Didame's right behind him.
93. Take Caius's hair care products when he's not looking.
94. Tell Jane her painful power fits her looks very nicely.
95. Tell Alec you have a toothache and ask if he can fix it for you.
96. Ask Felix if he'll buy you a snuggie.
97. Give everyone Team Edward shirts for Christmas.
98. Constantly donate blood, boasting to the others about your generocity.
99. Play dumb and ask why no one ever gives blood.
100. Put up signs on the mirrors saying "Persons in mirror are older than they appear."
101. Tell Caius that his bad mood is why he never gets any from Athenodora!

My life has change... for the better... I think.

Well my girlfriend of 100 years, and I broke it off last night. I think its for the better. She seemes so much more happier. I found out she's in love with Alec, my brother. But I feel as though, as long as she is happy, then I'm happy for her. I just want them both to be happy, and I, well I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I do love Chelsea, but I fell like I was slowly falling out of love with her, as a lover. I will always love her like my best friend/sister. I will do anything she ask of me. I just hope she is happy. So for now I am A SINGLE AND WILLING TO MINGLE with girl. -smirks- Thank you Dem and Santiago.

My life in a nutshell

I have been a guard for over 200 years, I have no real powers that we know of. I have awesome girlfriend who is a guard with me. Chelsea. I have been thinking about traveling a little. I would like to see some more of the Americans. I don't really remember my past all to much, but I do remember what year I was born, which was 1674. I got to see the witchcraft trials in Salem. Which awesome, but I had to watch my mother and sister get hung. Which was on of the worse's sight I had to see. I can say that I cried for three days. Aro found me when I was trying to get blamed for being a witch too. But Aro, said he could take my pain away, and he did for two minutes. Then I was in three days of hell! then we went to Italy, and I became a guard. Then about 100 years ago, I met Chelsea who, was the most beautiful women that I ever seen. She had that glow about her, even though she was a vampire. Well we started dating and haven't looked back yet. I love her with every fiber of my being. I would die without her. She has been the best woman EVER!!!!! I have made friends with all of the guards.